if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
