I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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