ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's shark week go big or go home
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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