Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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