Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
