I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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