Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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