we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
