do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
