I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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