May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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