Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
