my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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