Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
