I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
