We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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