When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
