I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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