drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
