I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
