Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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