i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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