Four minutes until I can fart!
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
