Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
