I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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