I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
