I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
