I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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