Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
