Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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