My underwear smells like fireworks.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Text me some of your sweat
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
