plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
