How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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