4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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