Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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