i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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