i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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