i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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