The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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