May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
