I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
