I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize