and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
