lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
