i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
