I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
