I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
