i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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