i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
whose parrot is this?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Sorry about my life...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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