Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you win again, gameday.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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