Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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