Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
ttyl tear gas
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
