just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize