i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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