I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
