I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
