Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
