It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
