I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
