apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
