My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
