So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
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